I am a very bad little one, no wonder I was abandoned..*cry* part 2
by, 06-Mar-2015 at 13:05 (574 Views)
For a while things were slow due to him starting college, trying to spend time with his boyfriend, spending time with his IRL family, working at a pizza place as a delivery driver and other things that interested him. I was alright with the limited time together due to him being so busy with things he had to do to learn, grow, be successful in life, make money and maintain the relationships he had in his non Skype life.
Things started to go downhill within the matter of a month or so. As mentioned he started to speak to me less and less, when he did it was for only a tiny amount of time maybe for half an hour to little as a few minutes a day. then it became once every few days. That started to hurt me inside a little, but I was alright with it, he must have been very busy.
Things got very sad when one day after not speaking with him at all for three weeks I went into Skype and decided to send him a message saying hi and then give him a nuzzle or cuddle because I was missing my momma so much. I saw that his Skype name was no longer "Rene (sterling)", but was only "Sterling." I was very confused by that and asked him why Rene was gone from his name, did i do something wrong or was i bad?
He told me that he removed that name because he no longer role plays using that pony, so he no longer wished to be known as that. Him saying that crushed me inside. was that all she was to him a disposable name that became boring to use? I loved her, I helped make her, I named her, she was my momma as a pony and she was a part of my heart. I felt inside that he no longer loved me, that he abandoned me, but I didn't say that to him. I hid my pain so that he would not become sad or feel guilty for breaking a part of my heart.
Things have dissolved even more since then. It has been another three week period since he has attempted to speak to me at all. The last time we spoke on Skype I saw that he had an all new Skype avatar I saw his avatar was him and his boyfriend in an embrace. I thought it was very good looking and he told me that his boyfriend had commissioned it to be made for them. That made me a little happy that he had someone that loved him that much, someone who loved him as much as I did, just in a different way. I asked him if i could see the whole thing because it was cropped to fit Skype, for all i knew the rest of pic was NSFW and cropped for good reason. he responded that he would show whole thing, but he would have to dig for it. I asked him what he means and he said "I'm not sure." He had a new name as well "WhirleyDerg (sterling) I asked waht the name meant and he said it had something to do with dragons.
Again I thought about contacting him to talk to him about all the feelings I have inside me that were making me cry so much. I saw his avatar and name and then I thought to ask his boyfriend if he was alright, I knew if I spoke to him I would be unable to speak without crying and then probably run away, going offline to avoid the pain. i saw that the BF had a tumblr link in his personal info thing. I clicked on it and saw another pic of them that was beautiful on his Tumblr page. Looking through the page i saw that momma, his BF and many others had talked on the page several time over the past few weeks (the same time that I was forgotten about), in the page i saw a link to WhirleyDergs page and I went to it and saw the whole image I asked to see uncropped, it wasn't NSFW, it was amazingly cute. Yet another link too me to Sterlings "WhirleyDerg" page. In it I saw all the pics he made of dragons and stuff, mentions of him streaming and making art and talking to many others.
What happened, why did he abandon me, why was I forgotten and thrown away like an old dirty shoe? *I am crying as i write this now* Was it because he has found many new types of shoes to wear and no longer wishes to know of me, what in the name of whatever did i do wrong to make him not love me anymore, what did i do to make him forget all the wonderful things he said to me in over a year, he said that he would teach me to draw, teach me to drive in preparation to take a drivers test (when I eventually took one), help me study for the GED (again when i was to take it), he suggested that someday perhaps we could live as a family (him, me and his BF), said that would do so many things because he said he loved me not only as a person, but also as his AB little one.
What is wrong with me, that all who have known me in the past have claimed to love me and then when it got a little boring or times got tough they run away from me as fast as they can. My IRL mother, step-father brother, sister, all the friends i have ever had did the same thing to me.
For so long I did everything I could to hide myself from the world, making sure no one would ever see me or even notice that I am alive, the reason being I was never able to handle being abandoned and betrayed by those I thought truly did love me.
I feel like a used shoe or piece of garbage like an empty 20oz bottle of soda, no longer needed because what they or he wanted was used and now is gone, so they no longer need the thing that held all that emotion and love and the best thing is to throw it away, letting it sit in a landfill and rot alone.
I feel so bad now and have for a month, there hasn't been a moment other then when I sleep that I have not thought about taking one of the three box cutters i have sitting on PC desk and using them to end the life that no one wants to be a part of anymore.
The only thing other then the slim hope that momma might come back that has kept me from harming myself is the fact that I have a little one now, a little fox kit named Foxii and a little one who is a dragon pup named Glacero.
I love them with all my heart, mind and soul. I would NEVER abandon them for the sake of being with the man I love, the new friends I make, the job I happen to have, the educational pursuits I have, to deal with IRL family issues or to do something that I like to do (in my case it is RP with family and play video game, in mommas case it is drawing and making things using his skills in engineering.) Yes, at times my life might be busy, very busy, but I would make time to be with those I claim to love, I would fulfill the promises I made in the name of being a family and I would never do anything that would hurt their feelings and make them feel as I do now...used up, disposed of, forgotten, feared, disliked, as an annoyance and as someone who was nothing more then a temporary plaything. I am a person, I have a heart that is now broken, I now spend all my time at home and work crying, rather then talking to others that I love with my heart...Emerald, Vivid, Zacory, apple Star, Applejack, Cliff Dixon and so may others, too many to mention by name here.
I did not write this to make momma feel bad, I would never ever want to make him sad, in truth i still love him so much. Not as a potential lover, not a just another friend, not as someone I had fun with, but as my only IRL AB Momma.
I am so sorry to all, that I was so inconsequential to all of you, please forgive me for what i might have to do. *cry*