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I am a very bad little one, no wonder I was abandoned..*cry* part 1

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Nothing I say in this journal is an attempt to make anyone feel sorry for me at all. This is me being as honest as I possibly can be. I know that in parts of it I might sound critical, blunt, perhaps brutally honest with my thoughts, feelings and perspectives about certain things, perhaps revealing things that were at one time meant to be private thought or words between two people who I thought loved each other with both their hearts and minds, for that I apologize to them in advance.
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I write this to try to release some of the pain that lives in my heart now through words, rather then the only other option I see to not feel so much terrible pain in my heart and wrists and throat.
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I sincerely hope with all my heart that what I have to say in this journal does not make anyone sad, hurt or makes them feel bad or cry, that is not my intention at all.
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This is for me a very, very, very hard journal to write. As i write it I am crying so much inside and outside actual tears. I have spent the last week and a half almost non stop crying my eyes out because my heart is in so much pain. I suppose the place to start is at the beginning of what made me feel more happiness and joy then I had ever felt before.

Sometime in late 2013 to early 2014 I met someone on Skype named Sterling Pinion, I forget how we met first, it might have been through someone named Vivid Brush. I talked with him about many things and eventually he told me about him being ABDL. I had no idea what that was, I had never heard of such a thing before.

I thought that there were only two types of people who wore diapers. Those who are old, sick people who were unable to move so that they could go to a toilet either through old age, post surgery or some sort of mental disorder (Cerebal Palsy and other things like that) and those who were actual babies or toddlers, young people who were not potty trained yet and used "babyish" things such as bottles, pacifiers and onesies.

He told me that adults wear diapers for comfort, security, pleasure and act as babies or small children to gain some sort of feeling of safety in their lives. The idea of all that for some reason intrigued me greatly for reason I did not understand and i did research on what it was to be an ABDL. What I read on the sites he referred me to through webpage links made so much sense to me and I had discovered that I was one of them, I was an AB.

Soon thereafter we started to talk and sometimes play as if he was a babysitter for my little OC baby character. it felt so right and natural to me the things I typed on the screen, but came from my heart. We seemed to talk for hours non-stop, even when he was at work at a place where he made parts for if I remember correctly electronics. He told me that he wasnted to be an engineer after college was done.

Over the next few months we grew very close and started to care for each other more then just normal friends would, I dare say we started to love each other in some way. We would talk about many things in those many hours seven days a week, my dark past, his concerns about some in his family not liking him wearing or using diapers and how their apparent lack of sympathy for who he was inside. We spoke of things we liked to do and what our fetishes were and turn ons we had.

One day we were talking and he asked me something along the lines of "Could i be your IRL ABDL parent?" I was floored with the offer and I accepted the offer without hesitation, I already felt through our role plays with him, myself and a few others that he already filled that role of parent to my AB little self.

After he had became my official and only AB parent (my Momma), our talks became somewhat more intimate and we started to discuss our relationships. he was in a relationship or had a crush on someone, but had started to have feelings for someone else. He asked for my advice in how to tell this new crush how he felt about him.

A few days later I was a little hurt inside when I saw him post in a brony Skype chatroom "Wheeeeeeee I have a Coltfriend!" I had started to fall in love with him through getting to know him, but because I loved him in the way I did not only as his little one, but also as his friend and more, I decided to give him my advice when he asked me what he should do or say when he started to have doubts about his feelings for this person. Not to make him like me, but to try to help him give strength to his new relationship, to make it grow, to make their relationship last forever.

In talking to him about those relationship things i was always honest on my feelings and always showed compassion for him and his new BF. In doing so he started to develop romantic feelings for me, the same he felt for his BF. He ended his relationship with him and started to talk with me about the possibility of us being together in a romantic and sexual way. I said i would love that (I was in love with him after all.)

We decided to meet IRL in cleveland, Ohio and spend a night together not only as Momma and little one, but as possibly something more. That night we had do much fun together. We got lost trying to find the sushi place (I have no sense of direction at all), we ate sushi (something I had never considered doing before and I loved it) and then we went to get a motel room together. That night we watched my little pony on his laptop, we cuddled and snuggled, he changed my diaper, he gave me my bottle and pacifier, we even tried some private stuff, then we slept in each others comforting and loving embrace.

The next morning we went to breakfast and I asked him if he would consider becoming my boyfriend. He said he would think about it and then later that day he went home to Cincinnati, Ohio.

A few days later he said he had an answer for my proposal and he turned me down because of my age (I was 36 and he was 21) and for other reasons. Hearing him reject my advance was a little disappointing, but he said his feelings for me as my Momma had not changed and that he loved me as his AB child. I was very happy with that.

Time went by and we grew closer as a family of two. We could talk about anything both ways and share so much of what made us who we are and we played so much. he even took me on his family vacation with him (using Skype and google+) I felt so honored and special by that rare privilege. He came up to Cleveland and drove a U-Haul for me so i could move to Richmond, Ky, in between moving two apartments we got a room and did all those things we did

Eventually he got back into contact with someone he had feelings for earlier in his life and they started dating. Him and by extension them being happy together was my only desire and concern, I was overjoyed with him being so giggly and happy talking about how he felt about his new special somepony.

We continued to have lots of fum playing with each other as momma and her little colt "Amethyst Apple." Sometime in the midst of all the things I mentioned above we talkied and made an OC pony to be a physical representation of him as my pony momma. I thought so hard about a name for her and what she might look like. I had found a picture of a Goldenrenette apple (Rene for short) and told him of the name. he loved it and decided to name her that. I was overjoyed by that and felt very close to him, more so when he drew her and she was the most beautiful mare I had ever seen, I loved her and him even more as my momma. I felt so close to him.

The months that followed were so blissful between us, we had so much fun and talked so lovingly to each other. He went as far as to say to me one day "you are my little one, I will never let you go." He said that he wasn't speaking of the pony OC of mine, but to me as his IRL little one. I finally had a family member that would never forget, abandon, or pretend that i do not exist....or so I thought.

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