http://www.adisc.org/forum/blogs/dawes/ Supportive community for Adult Babies, Teen Babies, Incontinent people, Diaper Lovers, and Babyfurs. We have a gallery / pictures, forums, links, blogs, live chat, and more. en Sat, 21 Nov 2009 14:06:04 GMT vBulletin 60 http://www.adisc.org/forum/images/misc/rss.jpg http://www.adisc.org/forum/blogs/dawes/ http://www.adisc.org/forum/blogs/dawes/82-ive-heard-all-2-8-08.html Sat, 09 Feb 2008 05:44:36 GMT Another intake at the office. My fellow intake workers are out with the flu, which leaves me to deal with the masses on my lonesome. I've heard a lot of peculiar things... but what follows has got to be the single most awesome thing I've ever heard. A man hobbles in with an uneven gait and sits down. I peruse his file. Second-degree assault. I go through the first few pages of the application, and then I go for the statement..

Rance: "Mr. Jones*, now that we've gotten all of your identifying information, I'm going to have to ask you for a statement of the events that occurred leading up to your charges.

Mr. Jones: "We were sitting around drinking a few beers, having a good time. His girlfriend and my wife had gone out to pick up some sausage -- you know, for our Italian sausage we were going to grill -- so Pete and I stayed behind."

Rance: "I see. And you and Pete -- the other man -- you two got into an argument?"

Mr. Jones: "We did. It turned into fists. We were drunk. I was relaxing on one end of the couch, and he turned around and starting beating on me, so I ... (he pauses; he shifts uncomfortably. He pats his knee.) I ... well, I'll be honest, it was the only thing I could think of at the time."

Rance: "What did you have to do to get him off of you?"

Mr. Jones: "Beat him."

Rance: "(nodding). And did you use your fists, or--"

Mr. Jones: "At first."

Rance: "How did the fight escalate?"

Mr. Jones: "I said something to piss him off. Came out of my mouth without knowing it. He started punching me. You see my leg? (He taps at his knee again. The sound is hollow, loose, unnatural. And then, without a moment's warning, his leg comes tumbling out of his pants and onto the carpeted floor of tje office. His pantleg is suddenly empty, and he lifts the prosthetic limb up with ease, holding it high as if he were displaying a newly forged sword. "This is what I had to do. I had it off at the time. I didn't really think it would do much. (He tapped it against the side of his head and smiled sheepishly.)"

Rance: "...."

Mr. Jones: "Yup. That's what the police said, too. Not every day you can say you beat the man who used to be your best friend off of you with your own leg."

Rance: "That ...is quite possibly the strangest thing I've ever heard, sir."

Mr. Jones: "Ha! You think that's strange? You should be a fly on the wall when my wife and I have sex. Strange? Son, you haven't seen strange."

No, I haven't. I never want to. Believe-you-me, this is why I keep this job. Every day, a new winner comes stumbling into the office with a story I never thought I'd ever hear. Something huge has gotta top this one.

And every time I say that, the next week proves to me that there indeed are even stranger people in this world.

*This name has been changed from the man's original to retain confidentiality. ]]> Dawes http://www.adisc.org/forum/blogs/dawes/82-ive-heard-all-2-8-08.html http://www.adisc.org/forum/blogs/dawes/77-king-midas-touch-reverse-2-7-08.html Fri, 08 Feb 2008 04:29:19 GMT Another day, another series of criminal intakes. This one involves a woman (who I realize is quite a few bricks short of a load (no pun intended))... Another day, another series of criminal intakes. This one involves a woman (who I realize is quite a few bricks short of a load (no pun intended)) telling me why the Disorderly Conduct charge placed upon her is false.

I read over the charging documents, which contain a statement from the plantiff. 'Miss Doe* frequently stands on our porch past midnight, shouting obscenities, screaming about her missing dog, cussing out nothing in particular.'

So I interview her ... and wish, yet again, that I hadn't needed to get so much detail. This is the kind of stories you hear when you deal every day with the lowest common denominator of humanity.

Rance: "Miss Doe, the filing party states that you've been disrupting their peace at night by standing on their property and raising your voice. They allege that you've been screaming obscenities and foul remarks."

Miss Doe: "That ain't true. I swear it. I have proof. I swear it's not true. I ain't shoutin' nothing whatsoever, and they're a bunch of bullshit-****ing-liars for even saying it!"

Rance: "Then I need to get from you a statement regarding what you say happened in this case. Mind you, this isn't a legal plea -- this is just a statement that I take down to ensure that your defender understands the situation at hand, in your words."

Miss Doe: "I wasn't shouting. I was on Xanax."

Rance: "By prescription?"

Miss Doe: "Yeah. It ****s with my brain."

Rance: "In what manner?"

Miss Doe: "Well, I didn't yell anything. I dropped some Xanax, but I didn't yell. They made me mad, though! So I went over to their porch and took a big ****in' shit right on their doorstep--"

Rance: (staring in disbelief.)".. what--"

Miss Doe: "And then I ****in' went right into their cars -- their two big trucks and their little Geo -- and took three whole fat shits right on their seats! I think I had diarrhea from the Xanax, but I didn't yell out anything, so that's a bunch of bullshit."

Rance: (wishing he had forks with which to stab out his eyes.) "So ... you're stating that you defecated on their porch and in their cars. Ma'am, was this ... was this all at one time, or on separate occasions?"

Miss Doe: "One time. I had the ****in' shits, okay? Pissed in'em all too, stirred it up with my finger, (she holds up her index finger) just to show'em I don't **** around! Don't piss me off! Don't steal my dog!"

Rance: " ... I hope you like your complimentary pen, ma'am."

The images are still burned in my mind. I do like the fact that someone thinks that defecating on someone else's belongings is a lot less of an offense than yelling at them from their porch. Isn't it ironic that I don't believe that she wasn't yelling... but yet, I believe every word of her shit-antics?

Pretty rainbows would be nice, you know, to help replace these awful visions in my mind.

*Miss Doe is utilized in replacement of the client's actual name. ]]> Dawes http://www.adisc.org/forum/blogs/dawes/77-king-midas-touch-reverse-2-7-08.html http://www.adisc.org/forum/blogs/dawes/65-dont-piss-me-off-2-5-08.html Tue, 05 Feb 2008 21:00:59 GMT It was the weekend, and I stood outside of our local Ruby Tuesday, smoking a cigarette well away from the door. In Maryland, the indoor smoking ban... It was the weekend, and I stood outside of our local Ruby Tuesday, smoking a cigarette well away from the door. In Maryland, the indoor smoking ban eliminated all smoking sections from any indoor bar, restaurant, or diner, requiring that those who smoke go outside. I had no problem adhering. I lit my cigarette, and the door opened. A middle-aged blonde-haired woman with seven -- count them, seven -- young daughters of ascending ages trotting like little ducklings behind her. She passes by me, and I kindly smile.

Woman: "Looks like you have to smoke outside, huh?" (She sounded jovial, friendly.)

Rance: "Yup. People don't have much tolerance."

Woman: "Life's a bitch, isn't it, huh? Can't smoke inside anymore. Hmph." (She's passing by me now with her children. There is a hint of sarcasm in her voice.)

Rance: "That's the way it goes."

Woman: (She's walking further away until she and her children are about ten feet away, and then she turns around and says, with choice words...) "I'm glad, because that means I can go out without needing to worry about coming home smelling like smoke from you disgusting people."

Cue Rance's burning sarcasm. This is my adrenaline: I might not be able to fight, but I have no problem wielding words.

Rance: "Oh! Hey!" (I laugh.) "You know what's great about me being a smoker? It's better than not knowing how to keep my thighs closed shut."

The woman took the time of an entire cigarette to load her whole trail of children into her car, but she didn't say a word back to me. When I'm adhering to the law, whether I believe it ridiculous or not, it's not your high-and-mighty place to try to let me know that I'm sub-human -- and if you try, I promise you, I'll have no problem letting my tongue lash out, whether or not your snot-nosed little children are right next to you.

Maybe they'll grow up not being as much of a bitch as their mother. ]]> Dawes http://www.adisc.org/forum/blogs/dawes/65-dont-piss-me-off-2-5-08.html http://www.adisc.org/forum/blogs/dawes/62-who-you-gonna-call-2-5-08.html Tue, 05 Feb 2008 16:41:02 GMT We're doing office intakes. People alleged to have committed crimes -- but were not incarcerated -- have up until 10 days prior to their trial to request the representation of a public defender. My office mate and I are the first line of defense. I'm halfway through an interview when a client decides to become a clown.

Rance: Alright, sir, now that I've got all of your identifying information, I just need to write down your statement -- your words -- relaying what happened on the night these charges concern.

Client: Oh, what, you mean like, what I done?

Rance: Or maybe what you didn't do.

Client: Oh, I get it. I mean, there weren't nothin' -- I got me into a fight, busted some tail, and the cops jumped in.

Rance: Did the officers try to restrain you?

Client: Shit! Restrain me? They blasted tazers like they was the Ghostbusters, man! I might be black, but they sure as hell ain't afraid of no ghost!

... I'll just refrain from commenting for fear of foot-in-mouth disease.

(edited for a stupid grammatical mistake.) ]]> Dawes http://www.adisc.org/forum/blogs/dawes/62-who-you-gonna-call-2-5-08.html http://www.adisc.org/forum/blogs/dawes/56-superbowl-sunday-2-3-08.html Mon, 04 Feb 2008 05:31:32 GMT At Rance's household, a Superbowl party can never be too innocent. My team is the Redskins; my friend's team is the Ravens. The contest never dies, even when both teams are done and gone, with only thoughts of next year to carry them forward...

Rance: Alright, Kev, so give me your prediction for today: Patriots or New York Giants?

Kevin: Well... (scratching at an invisible spot on his Raven's jersey.)

Rance: Come on, dude, spit it out. I don't have all day for your pussy-footing bullshit. (said, of course, in that ever-insulting, ever-loving tone that our friends always share.)

Kevin: You wanna know who I think's gonna win?

Rance: Yeah.

Kevin: The Ravens.

Rance: ... I hate you. Their showing was crap this year anyway, Kev, and even if they had made it to the Superbowl, they'd still fail and you'd have to watch them get pounded around like a bunch of wankers.

Kevin: Well, if you want to bring it like that...

Rance: Go on, defend them. Any good fan would.

Kevin: Well, at least my Ravens have players that are still alive and don't get shot midway through the season. Ask Sean Taylor how victory tastes.

Rance: Wha--

Kevin: GO AHEAD REDSKINS! GO AHEAD SEAN TAYLOR! WIN THAT MVP!

I guess he had a point. ]]> Dawes http://www.adisc.org/forum/blogs/dawes/56-superbowl-sunday-2-3-08.html http://www.adisc.org/forum/blogs/dawes/37-smooth-moves-1-31-08.html Thu, 31 Jan 2008 18:00:21 GMT A lunch-time conversation in the office, and two of the women are talking about feminine appointments. This is the norm; They are older and... A lunch-time conversation in the office, and two of the women are talking about feminine appointments. This is the norm; They are older and uninhibited by the younger years of being prim and proper women. They have given birth, they have raised children, and they can hold a hardcore conversation like the best of men. I am unfazed, eating my pasta salad and happily enjoying Wikipedia comic-book lore, until...

Darlene: "And then my doctor stuck his finger up my ass and didn't even ask me!"

Nicki: "Don't you hate that? I always just want to reach around and smack him."

Darlene: "He's such an asshole!"

I am laughing; I can't help it. They're acting so straightforwardly indignant about something so private. They continue bantering for a few more minutes until Darlene goes back out to the main room of the office and Nicki is the only one that's left. She looks at me oddly. She is playfully upset that I'm still giggling at the conversation.

Nicki: "Stop laughing. You're a man and you're young -- you won't need to get a finger up the ass for a few years yet."

Rance: "Oh, I've had it done before."

Nicki: "But not at the doctor's office, I'm sure."

Ow.

I may have won the lunch, but I have not yet won the war. ]]> Dawes http://www.adisc.org/forum/blogs/dawes/37-smooth-moves-1-31-08.html http://www.adisc.org/forum/blogs/dawes/34-thanks-mr-obvious-1-30-08.html Thu, 31 Jan 2008 03:16:54 GMT The time was 4:15, and co-workers are packing away their things to head home while me and my office-mate are whittling away the the minutes until our... The time was 4:15, and co-workers are packing away their things to head home while me and my office-mate are whittling away the the minutes until our 5 P.M. quitting time...

Rance: "I definitely think 'Roxanne' is the world's most annoying song."

Cliff: "I bet you I can find something even more annoying."

Rance: "Okay, try me. Use that video site you sent me, see if you can find me a more annoying song. I'll buy your lunch tomorrow if you do!"

Cliff is determined; I hear him rattling away the keyboard with feverish keystrokes and furious clicks of the mouse. A free lunch sounds really good to him, and for a few minutes, I get worried, until I hear Culture Club's "Karma Chameleon" squeaking out of his computer speakers.

Cliff: "I found it! Come on, you can't tell me this song isn't more annoying ... and dude, look at this clown! The eighties were so strange."

Rance: "That song doesn't count, because unlike 'Roxanne', that song is actually good!"

Cliff: "I guess you're right. You know what's funny? You'd think that from looking at this joker, he'd be a flaming homosexual."

Silence.

Cliff: "What?"

Rance: "He is."

Cliff: "....."

Rance: "What?"

Cliff: (He dials his phone. He waits for an answer from the other end.)"Yo! Hey, Yvonne. You know that old-ass Culture Club shirt I have in the closet? Trash it. Trash it! Come on, do this for me, okay? Thanks. Love you." (The phone clicks down.)

Rance: "What's wrong, bud?"

Cliff: "Nothing. I just found out how to stop making all those guys wink at me down at the club. Lunch is on me tomorrow."

I win. ]]> Dawes http://www.adisc.org/forum/blogs/dawes/34-thanks-mr-obvious-1-30-08.html http://www.adisc.org/forum/blogs/dawes/17-prison-block-love-1-28-08.html Wed, 30 Jan 2008 04:09:09 GMT Perhaps this will teach me never to ask about too many details...

Rance: "I see on here that you've violated your probation, sir. May I ask what caused the violation?"

Convict: "I beat somebody up, man."

Rance: "I'm going to need a bit more detail. Had you been given a good reason to physically retaliate against the victim, such as for your own self-defense."

Convict: "Not really."

Rance: "If you can give me details, please..."

Convict: (He shuffles uncomfortably in his chair.)"I ... well..."

Rance: "Yes, sir?"

Convict: "So we had this guy in the bathroom of the cells, but I wasn't doing any of the sick stuff, man! I mean, they put a plunger into his mouth and started plugging a broom-stick up his rear-end. I didn't do nothing sexual, though! I just punched him in his face about ten times."

Rance: (A bit shocked and surprised.)"... Yup, that will violate probation, right there, but I'm glad to see that you were the reasonable one in the situation."

Convict: "Well, I don't think it should violate my probation."

Rance: (doubtful.) "Why is that, sir?"

Convict: "Because -- and I ain't lyin', man! -- he enjoyed it up until I pounded his face." ]]> Dawes http://www.adisc.org/forum/blogs/dawes/17-prison-block-love-1-28-08.html