Pay tribute to the Native American-killing English who settled here and forcefully expanded west. The pilgrims survived and encouraged other Europeans to come here, kill and steal land. And what do we symbolize this history with in contemporary parts? We ram ourselves full of turkey and mashed potatoes and gravy.

In other news, whenever I want to wear, I just wear and then roll it and put it under my bed. They're plainly viewable from the stairs, but no one has noticed. They...