Mental health.

Akira — Sun, 08 Nov 2009 04:50:17 GMT

This last year's been kind of hard on me. As some of you know, I moved across the state; some 550 miles away from where I used to live. It's a big change, too. I used to live in a town of 180,000, surrounded by other fairly big cities. I was moved into a town of 13,000, surrounded by at least 30 miles on all sides of dirt before you hit a city of respectable size.

I'm a very introverted kind of person. I don't make new friends well, and it took a long time to build up the trust and the connections I had with my friends down there. On the plus side, it gives me the insight that lets me know a lot about myself. So I know what I'm talking about when I say this.

I'm a person who can't deal with change well, at all. I've eaten the same foods I have all my life, I don't like to try anything new. I revisit old books I used to love rather than look to new titles, unless someone recommends it to me. I like the feeling of remembering how much I first loved them.

Et cetera, et cetera. The same holds true for places, sights, people. The feeling of a place. I hold memories very valuable. So when I unceremoniously got taken from everything I knew and loved all my life, and thrown into a place I wasn't comfortable with to begin with...

Combine that with the very narrow-minded views of the people here (I got sidelong glances all year for my messenger bag, and the fact I hate country, and that I didn't know what the hell 4H is)...

Yeah. It doesn't bode well for me. My friend compared me to a certain kind of rose, I forget the name. But it wilts as soon as it's plucked from its roots. I see the analogy.

What am I getting at? I recently realized that there's something not right, mentally. I sink into horrible bouts of depression, that just makes me want to crawl into bed and sleep for 10,000 years. Suicidal thoughts all the time.

Thinking on it, I notice these feelings follow a neat little pattern. They sink lower and lower and lower, then eventually the tiniest thing happens and I'm happy for days. First time I noticed it was when I saw a video of Ashita Genki ni Naare, and I watched Miyavi running around being random in a field. I was in a good mood for two weeks.

And when I'm happy, I get... I dunno. Ecstatic. A weird feeling in my chest that makes me want to burst out and do something insane. Life-changing. Just go out and -be-. The fact that I've actually written this blog through without deleting it all and cursing my whiny-ness is proof.

I'm no psychologist, but I think it's bipolar disorder. It sounds like it. Maybe I -should- see one. If it's not, there's something else awfully wrong upstairs.

... And it occurs to me that I'm writing this blog without a point other than to just rant.

Excitement!

Akira — Tue, 23 Dec 2008 06:36:34 GMT

So I finally did it. I'm almost a VIP. o.o Hasn't happened since 2005.

... God, I feel old.

In other news, I'm going down to So. Cal for about two weeks for Christmas vacation. About time, too, I miss all my friends. So I'll be gone until the fourth or so.

I'll miss you guyyyys! ^-^

I feel like I missed out.

Akira — Thu, 08 May 2008 03:31:14 GMT

I was in the line at lunch today, and I was watching the people in the line, mainly out of boredom. My eyes eventually fell on two guys, talking about nothing in particular, just talking, and laughing. They seemed like they were really good friends. And I realized I never really had that. In my entire life, I've had, like, two actual boy friends (not boyfriends. I haven't had any of those, sadly). And even then, all we ever did is just play video games. I knew next to nothing about their lives. I've never had that guy-to-guy connection with anyone.

My actual friends have all been girls. I get caught up with the drama, I contribute to it, I'm basically one of the girls. *shrug* I feel like I've missed out on something important.

ADISC - Blogs - Akira

Mental health.

Excitement!

I feel like I missed out.