View Single Post
Old 09-04-2008   #2 (permalink)
Abby_Cullen
Will you be my lion?
Historical Donor
Staff Member
 
Abby_Cullen's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2008
Location: Forks, Washington.
Age: 18
Posts: 2,337
Threads: 93
Gallery Uploads: 37
Blog Entries: 11
Default

It's good, and I love the concept, sounds very promising.

Your chapter moved pretty quick... a little too quick for me to take in everything. I think the beginning was good.... but when you get to where she shared the news.. that needs to be a little more in-depth. No, I don't expect the girls to start running and screaming like the world is going to end, but I do want to see more emotion. Even if you said something like "Alexis looked like a zombie," or something along those lines, just describe what they are doing, where they are sitting, what there facial features are, etc...

I look forward to reading more.
Abby_Cullen is offline