[Baby Jake]

“Chapter Twelve, A Dream Shattered”


“He’s a freakin teen baby” I typed.

“What!?” I saw come back.

“I found a pacifier in his room man” I told him.

I was, of course, talking to my online friend. My best one, at least. Since I first met him, I had met several others… but none of them were quite as good as one as this one. Luke, or ‘Lukie’.

“That’s quite a find” I saw Lukie type back.

“Yeah…” I said.

“What’d you do?” I was asked.

“…I did nothing. I’m just going to wait for a bit…” I said.

“Man… that is really strange” I saw.

“Yes” I agreed.

“You really think he is?” I was asked.

“Well… I don’t think there is much more reason for him to have a pacifier in his room” I explained.

“This is true…” I saw Luke type back.

“I dunno…” I kind typed.

I thought for a moment…

“I need sleep” I said.

“Okay” he replied.

“Yeah…” I said.

“Good night” he said.

I turned my monitor off, stood up, turned around, and fell face-first onto my bed. I crawled up it, and shuffled around some, trying to get bundled up into the blankets. Even though it was the middle of summer, and my air conditioner was on low… it was something about a blanket that didn’t allow me to sleep if I weren’t under one. I guess it was the weight, or the feel alone… but I couldn’t. It just made me feel weird.

Once I finally got into my preferred position, I laid there still, thinking once more as I usually did when my mind wasn’t stimulated by something else. This time though… I wasn’t contemplating myself, or my desires… I was contemplating Seth, his desires, and what I found on his floor.

I mean… wasn’t it really all what it seemed to be? I mean, yes, it definitely was a pacifier, and it was definitely one a baby would use. However, I guess I was being cautious… but I was thinking about what if I was overreacting, and he really wasn’t a teen baby? What if it was all a misunderstanding?

I thought for a moment… of course. But then I shut myself up. I quit thinking about the bad possibilities, and then began to think about all the good ones. A friend who shares my desire for diapers… a friend who I can share that kind of desire freely with. Someone I can have a normal conversation with, in person, over coffee if I really felt like it. The fantasies all kind of gave me a big cheesy grin, and something to think about, until I eventually softly fell asleep….

---

“You wanna wear big boy pants?” I heard.

I left out an infantile whine…

It was I and my mother. We were in the bathroom. I was sitting there, on the floor, looking up at the toilet, which seemed very unappealing to me.

“No” I insisted, vigorously shaking my head left and right.

She chuckled…

“Come on Aden. You have to sometime… everyone has to grow up. You want to drive a car?” she asked me.

“Yeah” I said with a smile.

“You want to go to school? Meet a bunch of friends?” she asked.

“Yeah” I said with a cheesier smile.

“Well. These are parts of growing up” she said.

I listened with interest but attempted to act as though I wasn’t.

“And it isn’t just driving a car, or meeting friends. There’s a whole lot more that’s fun about growing up” she began.

“Like riding a bike… Getting a job, so you can get your own money and buy all the ice cream you want. Sleeping in your own bed…” she said, listing basic things…

I was interested.

“Now Aden… don’t you want to grow up?” she asked me.

“Uh huh!” I said, nodding my head vigorously.

“Well. One of the first parts about growing up… is getting rid of those diapers” she said.

“Why?” I kind of whined…

“Hehe… only baby’s where diapers” she said, chuckling a bit…

---

And it was right there, I was suddenly back in my bed, back in my room, back in my house, back in my thirteen year old self, rather than being a young toddler, in my old house, in my old nursery.

I was completely awake. The sun was raised, so I got a good night’s sleep. I was lying there, starring at the ceiling, completely dumbfounded by the dream… and wondering how many times it had been that I’ve had that dream.

I sat up, contemplating my dream. I was getting aggravated. This was the one of many times I have had this dream now, but it wasn’t the same every time. Details were changed, my mom and I were in a different area sometimes, etc.

It was all very interesting, but I wasn’t in the mood to continue thinking about it any further. My stomach was growling, indicating I was very hungry… So I knocked myself out of my little trance, and stood up, and walked downstairs, into the kitchen.

---

“I don’t know what it is man” I typed.

“That is pretty weird…” Luke typed.

“Yeah… its been like a dream that repeats itself over, but isn’t the same twice” I typed back.

We were, of course, discussing my dream.

“I don’t know what it could mean… I mean it definitely comes from your need for diapers and such, but it seems to have more depth to it than that” I read.

“Yeah… it feels like more than just my mind dealing with that” I replied.

“Like how do you feel?” Luke asked me.

“When?” I asked.

“After the dream… during the dream…” he said.

“Well… after words… I feel really odd. It gives me a strong emotion of like… it’s really hard to explain. It feels like I’m missing something big” I said.

“And during?” he asked.

“…it feels like I have everything I ever wanted” I said.

“Hmmm…” I read.

“I mean, in the dream, everything seems so real and clear. Nothing I can think of looks or seems out of place, nothing seems wrong in anyway. It all seems so clear and real, it actually confuses the hell out of me when I wake up” I said.

“I see…” I read.

“I’ll give it some thought, you know? I think about it, tell you what I come up with. But I have to go for now” I saw.

“Alright man…” I typed.

He logged off, and so I was left alone to contemplate further. However, I didn’t think about my dream any further. I felt it was unnecessary to think about something that wasn’t real; when there was something else that was very real awaiting my action: Seth’s and his pacifier.

“What am I going to do?” I thought.

This was one of those things you always wanted to happen but never thought it would, so when it finally did, you were completely taken off guard, like I was now. I was thinking and thinking… until finally I came to a conclusion that I would like to talk to him about it… later on today…

So I reached over, and grabbed my phone, eager to call him… I dialed his number, and placed it against my ear.

“Hello?” I of course heard. It was Seth.

“Hey Seth” I said.

“Oh hey Aden” he responded.

“What are you up to?” I asked him.

“Nothing much at all honestly… sitting around, was just sitting around in my room, playing some games on my PS2 as always…” I heard him say.

And then and there, I had a mental picture of what he probably was doing… He was probably sitting there, on his bed, with his pacifier in his mouth, and maybe with a bottle, too…

“Yeah, I’m pretty bored” I admitted.

“Well… come on over if you can, you’re always welcomed on over” he said.

I felt touched…

“Thanks, I guess I’ll be on my over then” I said.

“Alright, well… I’ll see you” he said.

I hung up the phone, and began to get dressed…

---

It was a longer walk to his house than usual. This was of course, all mental… I got there in only a few minutes, but those minutes stretched on for a lot longer than that to me. This is because I was doing a lot of thinking… and decision making. I was thinking about how I was going to reveal to him, my discovery. Should I throw hints, or just say it to him straight out? Should I admit to him my side as a diaper lover, first, in case he thinks I won’t accept it, or let him come out first? How was I going to set the mood? Should I even set the mood? Maybe I should just slowly transition into a conversation about this kind of stuff…

There were a lot of things on my mind of course. Every scenario I thought of I tried to make a plan for it, to be prepared. But there simply wasn’t enough distance between his house and mine for me to prepare completely, because before I realized it, I was standing in front of Seth’s house once again. I walked to the door and knocked.

The door swung open like it usually did, and it was of course Seth answering it, since he was expecting me. He greeted me inside, and I of course fronted a fake attitude, trying not to act like there was something on my mind. I smiled, and acted eager to hear what he did last night… and its not like I didn’t care, there was just other things on my mind that I wanted to get out as soon as I possibly could. I was just waiting for that opportunity that there would be silence, for me to somehow spark up a conversation.

And then it came.

---

“Yeah man… I don’t know what Brian and Daniel have been up to. But like I said, you’ve got to really seriously try to sleepover their house if you can for the 4th…” he said.

“Yeah, I really want to” I explained.

“Maybe we could do some more dares or something” he said.

My opportunity has arrived…

“Yeah, we haven’t done those in a while” I said.

“That’s true, I don’t know why.” He said back.

“I don’t know… We’ve had a few sleepovers this summer so far, but not as many as I’ve been hoping. The whole dares thing kind of ended after our first summer sleepover, you remember?” he explained.

I thought about what he meant…

And it was actually true. It was about mid-June, the school year had finally ended. It was actually the Friday that school ended on that we slept over Brian’s house. We were all sitting in Brian’s and Daniel’s room, all contemplating what to do next with our ‘diaper-dares’.

However, as we all discussed… the magic had kind of faded for all of us. I, of course, was staring at Brian the whole time, watching his moves, examining him for any signs of being a diaper-lover. But like I said, the magic had faded. None of us had any interest anymore to do them. Our imagination-well had faded; we were completely and utterly bone-dry of any ideas.

And it was that night that would end our dares for the month so far. There hasn’t been any diaper-streaking through the night or anything like that, since that night. And the dares that the night featured weren’t very spectacular or really worth any of our time anymore. So they stopped…

“Yeah, I see what you mean” I concurred.

He shrugged, showing off his apathy as usual. I felt my opportunity to start a conversation beginning to slowly vanish… So I jumped on it as fast as I could.

“So how come we enjoy doing those dares so much?” I asked, spitting out the first thing I thought of.

“I don’t know… I just did them because it was fun, and something about them made it difficult for us to do them.” He explained.

“Yeah” I answered.

“I don’t know its something to do. Not much to do here, you know? So… dares of any kind are just a way to have fun” he admitted.

“Yeah, me too” I said.

“So Seth” I began…

“What’s up?” he asked.

“What’s your opinion on people’s inner-differences?” I asked… perhaps being a bit too vague.

“What?” he asked completely confused.

“I mean like, what’s your take on people who are different because they like more… strange things?” I asked.

“Hmmm… I don’t really know what you’re getting at with this… but I guess I don’t really care. You are who you are, just mind your business and I’ll mind mine” he said.

I nodded to show I understood.

“Why do you ask?” he asked me.

“I don’t know, was just a question. Trying to start a conversation…” I said.

“Ah…” he kind of said.

“I was just wondering, you seem like a guy who’s pretty much non-caring about stuff.” I said.

He shrugged.

“Yeah…” I said…

“Hey Seth” I said.

“What’s up?” he said again.

“How come you had a pacifier under your shirt last night?” I asked.

Now maybe I went about it the whole wrong way… but I couldn’t think of any way to put it.

“W-what?” he asked.

I suddenly came very clear that he was now caring about something. His eyes got larger, and he sat up a bit…

“A pacifier” I said.

“A little, baby blue pacifier was under that shirt… right there” I said, pointing at the shirt that I didn’t notice was still lying there, on his floor… until now.

He looked a bit shocked, but not TOO shocked. Not as shocked as I would’ve been if someone were to ask why I had diapers under my bed.

He looked at me, and slowly bent down, and pulled the shirt away. And like I said, there it was. There was the blue pacifier I had mentioned to him only a moment or two before, laying on the floor. He picked it up, and looked at me… and looked at it again with a strange look on his face.

“Dude” he said.

I felt uneasy… I felt like I had gone about it the wrong way. I was looking at him, as he had a strange expression on his face…

“Man its cool I don’t care” I said.

He shook his head…

“No really, it’s fine. I…” and it was right there. Right there that I was cut off. I was cut off by Seth’s next words, which almost made me have a stroke from absolute disbelief.

I mean… to think I almost said “I – like to wear diapers, too” to Seth. However, I was luckily cut off…

“This is my little brother’s pacifier that he’s been crying and screaming about for the past like three days about” he said.

My heart stopped.

“…w…what?” I said, feeling a sudden lack of air in my lungs.

“Yeah!” he said, with his expression slowly transitioning into a bit of joy rather than shock.

“Man! Now I can SLEEP!” he said with happiness.

I couldn’t breath. My heart was racing so damn fast I couldn’t see straight. I thought I was going to die from the blood rushing through my veins at off-the-charts pressure. I had complete, full-body paralysis. I couldn’t move from shock.

Why? It wasn’t because I had jumped the gun, and assumed something that was apparently not the real thing going on. It was because I was two words short of admitting my loving diapers to a good friend. Thoughts and flashes of him laughing at me, and telling Brian and Daniel, began flooding my head.

“Man… what could I have done…?” I thought in complete disbelief.

He looked at it with a small bit of joy, and then exited the room to go give it to his mother, while I sat there on his bed, completely motionless. He soon returned soon, without the pacifier, and sat back on the bed. He seemed a bit overjoyed… and I tried to maintain my normal attitude… which was incredibly difficult.

“Man… you have no idea… I CAN SLEEP tonight!” he said.

I faked a laugh…

“Yeah man… Ethan like never stopped crying over that thing disappearing. My mom’s been searching the house up-and-down… don’t know HOW it ended up in my room… My brother must’ve dropped it in here when my mom was carrying him through or something” he said.

I nodded in agreement.

“So what’d you think? Think I was suckin’ on it and stuff?” he asked me, with a bit of a smile. My heart skipped a beat.

I shrugged and smiled and laughed a small bit, all of which were fake.

“I can only assume something by how it seems” I said uneasily.

He looked at me at me with a bit of a sly smirk. I looked away feeling completely and utterly embarrassed.

“Nope…” he said.

“It’s my brother’s…” he elaborated further…

I nodded to show I understood.

---

I had exited that house one different person from that of which I had gone into the house as. Coming back home was an even longer experience than when I was walking from it. When I was going to Seth’s house, I was dreaming of something that was truly a great dream: a friend that was like me, in a way that you’re only lucky, to have a friend like that.

But now I had more things on my mind. The narrowly escaped encounter with a horrible, ugly mistake I would’ve regretted making for… probably the remainder of my life as a teenager, and then some. I was only two words from saying “I – like to wear diapers, too!”

And what if I did? That’s what was filling my mind. I had pictures, and thoughts, and in a sense: ‘day mares’. I was watching a movie in my head, where I said it, and he began to laugh at me as he explained to me the real reason behind his having a pacifier in his room. He would then laugh at me more, call me a freak, and kick me out of his house with no welcome back.

Then he would call my other best friend, Brian, and tell him that, and then Brian’s brother Daniel. Then every single day in school, and often times after, they would all taunt me, and make fun of me, and bring me to the edge of a mental meltdown as my head practically explodes from the overwhelming sense of guilt, humiliation, depression, rage, confusion, and regret. And that’s how it would be, for the next decade. Things would never be the same.

I was lucky… very, very lucky indeed. I could’ve made such a fool of myself right then and there. These images of me as someone I never want to be, which is an anti-social, constantly depressed, anxious, and enraged teenager, made me feel all-too uneasy.

As much as I tried to convince myself they weren’t real, and how lucky I was, it didn’t work. I WAS lucky… I might not be that lucky again.

I had reached the intersection that I would normally walk down to go to my house… and when I was about to cross the street to go there, I felt something in me just kind of… aching. I didn’t want to go home yet. So instead, I walked the other direction across the intersection. I walked for a small while, contemplating my near-fatal mistake encounter.

I eventually reached a small park, however. It was empty, not a single soul was around. This felt like the place to be… so I walked through it a bit, and found a nice, shady tree to think under.

There was a bench under a tree, so as I sat there, and began to of course further taunt myself over my horrible almost-mistake, constantly battling over myself in my head. On one hand, I almost made a terrible mistake. On the other, I was telling myself it was an encounter that I gladly passed, and shouldn’t worry about it because there isn’t anything to worry about anymore.

But something was still bothering me, even though the calm, quiet isolation in the park had calmed me down some. At first I thought it was over the whole incident… but upon further mental examination, it hit me. All of those thoughts, dreams, and fantasies of me and my best friend having a gleeful time in diapers, had come to a shattering end that was so hard to take I couldn’t breathe.

I felt alone, once again. I felt that dark, disgusting, wretched sense of being alone slithering its way into my soul like a virus, seeping its way into me, slowly hollowing me out with the fact that I am completely by myself on this whole, big deal.

I slowly felt myself getting this weird, sinking sensation. I felt like I was falling, but I knew for a fact I wasn’t. I mean… it felt like I was falling at such a fast pace, I couldn’t figure out which way was up. But incredibly, at the same time, I have never felt so damn grounded in my life. Things looked, and seemed, so clear that it all made sense. But strangely, simultaneously, I felt like I was sinking.

I couldn’t take it anymore. I couldn’t stand the fact that I was completely alone as a diaper-lover here. But then, my hysteria was slowly fading… as I caught myself, when I noticed what I was exactly thinking and doing.

I began to look at myself then and there and see what I was doing. There I was, sitting all alone on a bench in the park, on a cloudy day, thinking over and over about how I almost made a horrible mistake, when I should be thankful that I hadn’t done that mistake. And the whole alone thing… though it was really bringing me down… looking at myself and seeing how depressed I was feeling over it all… there was nothing I could do but just tell myself to get over it.

Being alone as a diaper lover, or teen baby, is a common thing. It takes years for people to find other friends in person that are the same like them, some only meet the people they have met online because there ISNT anyone to meet around them. Maybe I was going to be one of those people… and as that thought grew in my mind, the depression and confusion, and shock from the whole situation was beginning to fade. It had been about a half hour or so that I was sitting there thinking.

And suddenly, I rose up from the bench, suddenly accepting the fact that I’m alone. As little as I wanted to, I had to. I took a look at where I really was, as in my location in the town, not the park. I looked at the street, and noticed something….

I was near the store. I was near that supermarket that I was already at one today. I suddenly felt the want… the need to have them. I guess the whole mental war that was going on, and was still partially going on (I was just more calm about it), made me want to just settle down in my room with a diaper. I walked from the park and continued walking down the street, towards where I knew it would take me. And right then, when I had reached another intersection that would either take me home, or to the store… I felt in my pocket. And there it was… the money I needed. I was set to go. I was completely prepared. The money was in my pocket, the backpack was on my back (because trust me, I bring my backpack with me everywhere… never know when you’re going to have something to pack), and the determination and motivation was in my head. I was set to go.

So with that though… I looked away from the path that would lead me home, and down the path that would lead me to a better place right now: the store with the diapers that I would take home and use because they are what I required to be happy again.